my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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