tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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