mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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