u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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