I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
