Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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