I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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