if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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