Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
