I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
