i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
