dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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