girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
