You made me cry and you don't even care
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You dont lie about slip and slides
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
