i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
