i need an iv and a liver transplant
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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