she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
