Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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