Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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