Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
