Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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