i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
