yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
