Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
