Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize