Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
