my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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