toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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