she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
