You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
