omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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