Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
