some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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