I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
