last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
