I hate your face
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
