I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
