Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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