Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
