Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize