awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
