just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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