what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
