Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
