You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
