He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
