I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
