All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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