Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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