Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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