I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
