I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
