I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
