remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
