I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize