The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
