Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
