this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He passed out mid-signature
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize