is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
