Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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