1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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