yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
