you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We left the knife in your bed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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