His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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